I haven't blogged in a really really long time, so this will probably be my usual mishmash of incoherent rambling. First, I have to say that I am so overwhelmed right now that I am ready to toss myself over a bridge. In fact, it's a good thing that I moved away from Ithaca, or there's a high probability that my body would be discovered frozen and partially eaten at the bottom of a gorge. Okay, that was gross, apologies. And, of course, I'm not totally serious, but there's a huge part of me that's ready to throw up my hands in surrender. Some of you may have noticed that I decided to stay home from class tonight in order to work on other things. I've spent most of the day working on my journal article for Dr. Kennedy, which is still in its infancy, after observing this morning. About an hour ago I decided to take a break and get on the computer to look at the class blog. And it's like the blob. There was so much to read and try to process that my already overwhelmed brain pretty much blew a fuse. I've just had so much work to do and so little time to do it in that everything is getting pushed to the last minute and the time crunch is excruciating. But I have to say that I totally appreciated reading everyone's comments, in particular Dave's comments on doing "good enough." Because I am totally there, and it's not a place I generally find myself and it's not a place that I'm very comfortable.
I used to be smart. Like, really smart. I think I'm getting dumber as I get older. At an alarmingly speedy rate.
One positive thing that I do have to say about my life at this point: I loved making the imovie. Even though it was a ton of work, and even though the limited access to the mac lab was incrediably frustrating, it was definitely one of the most positive experiences that I've had this semester. Charm and I collaborated well together. She came up with a great idea for a film, and I helped tweak it a little bit with added suggestions. We shared the responsibility for filming, audio and editing pretty evenly (even though I am an admitted mouse-hogging control freak--sorry Charm!). We learned how to assemble our film--adding music, voice track, transitions and credits--mostly through experimentation. When we got stuck, we had two heads to figure out a problem. We had fun. And, most importantly, we produced something that we love and are really proud of. I definitely support Alex's assertion that he will have students work together on this project in the future. Even though it's hard to arrange time to get together when trying to accommodate two disparate schedules, I think that working with a partner made the whole experience infinitely better.
Oh, it stopped snowing. But now the trees look so pretty. Hmmm....did blogging just improve my mood? I think it did.
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2 comments:
Tracie, I'm glad the filming was a positive experience for you and Charm. That enjoyment showed in your remarkably good film which is not "good enough" but just plain good!
I have been thinking a lot this semester -- and last of course -- about the stress grad students in our program are feeling.
The anxiety and stress have more than one cause of course but the primary one from my vantage point is the attempt to cobble together work and school.
It's that simple.
ANYone I tell that grad students in our program are working FULL time and taking 4 graduate courses expresses disbelief.
Often people say that taking ONE grad course while working full time would be VERY difficult.
This is why so many people in our program are feeling stressed to the max, frustrated and even depressed.
You are trying to do the impossible. It's not complicated. The answer is self-evident.
I know not everyone is working full time or even part time and that these students too feel a good measure of stress.
And I know that we have to work to support being able to go to graduate school at all--this by the way is a good opportunity to examine class privilege.
There are folks who again, for many different reasons and sources of funding, don't have to work while they get a masters degree. In some cases this is class privilege at work; in others middle class parental support and in some others a working spouse or just good planning.
4 grad courses require the taker to be a full-time student, which many of you cannot be. You know this; I know this but the tensions exist because neither of us can ameliorate the situation. I want graduate education to be rigorous.
So do you but you know that the less rigorous it is the easier it will be for you to "manage" it. All I can do is be "understanding" and flexible which I think I am. But even that adds more stress since flexibility means due dates are just that, flexible.
And there was already some anxiety expressed about the "extension" for some on the movie assignment. Too, if the prof is flexible the student has to be more, not less, disciplined. He/she has to set her/his own due dates/boundaries. Hard isn't it!
So in this situation you can only do "just enough;" anything else is mega-stressful and/or downright impossible.
I admit that for this professor it is heartbreaking to see you turning and turning in this demanding gyre...to misquote Yeats.
Another fac. member commented to me recently that our grad students could do brilliant work if they could be students--first and foremost.
Not that our grad students don't do brilliant work--that wasn't the point of the comment--but that freed from work responsibilities and the frazzled life that accompanies trying to combine both work and school (and family life, etc.), our grad students could be true scholars and enjoy the work 100% more than anyone can "enjoy" it right now.
Not a whole lot of enjoyment in the work that I see in the stressed lives people have.
That is one reason I believe we are constantly needing "clarification." Clarification puts frames around assignments--the more profs clarify the less students have to invent on their own--invention takes time, contemplative time. Dawn says she gets it in the car! Many of us do--sadly--that's the only time we're alone w/our thoughts when no one or no thing else is tugging at those thoughts.
The open-endedness of the project assignment makes folks nervous precisely because of the "good enough" issue.
What is good enough we want to know re: the project? Because that's all I can do. And because I can't do any more--I need to know what good enough looks like. You see the cycle!
And to add to the stress, Alex and I don't have a template for a good enough project. We wouldn't.
Have you read Robt. Pirsig's now classic, Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance? He does a fascinating discussion of "what is quality" in the book--concluding that essentially we know quality when we see it. That's a bit like Alex and I feel about the project assignment.
Our investment is in YOUR project work--however you construct it. We can surely offer guidelines to what "enough" might look like and we will if asked.
I recall how very frustrating it was when I was first trying to propose a dissertation research topic and NO one in the grad program at Syracuse would tell me whether it was "good," "good enough," or "not good enough." This tug-of-war went on for years. Scary huh!! Fortunately for you your own project anxiety has an end date--mid Dec., 2006.
Mine didn't. I finally had to come to terms with the reality of grad school. None of my profs were going to tell me what was "good enough." They were only going to support my continuing to think about what I thought was "good enough."
Of course, they were then going to stand in judgment on whatever I came up with. You see, there's the rub. That's the way the system works. But there were checkpoints along the way to the defense to be sure. Just as there are for you. For example, one is your sending us your "abstract" of your project proposal. That will give us an indication of how we might encourage you to know that your project is "good enough."
Make a list: "this is what my project requires me to do and this is what the outcome is going to look like." Then you're halfway home!
I've said a great deal here about how I've been feeling about all of your anxiety. Not enough to be sure. But I look forward to continuing the dialogue. Have I struck any chords?
What can you add to the scenario I paint here?
Do you understand the tensions inherent in the work we do together and Alex's and my inability to satisfy some of your need for more structure/clarity when we think we're structuring/clarifying like crazy and yet it's still not enough to ease anxiety.
K
Hi Tracie Dear,
I just wanted to let you know that I was just checking out your blog and I wanted to say that you weren't too bad of a mouse hog! I think that we worked very well together and I had a lot of fun! I don't want to know what our movie would have looked like if we didn't have your smooth zoom finger!
I completely understand the frustration of realizing, that given our lives, sometimes it feels like 'good enough' needs to be added to our vocabulary. I have not ever seen any of your work that I would categorize as only 'good enough'. You are fabulous and very smart (it is a little scary to think that you may have been even smarter a while ago!). Don't ever give up!
Anyway, just wanted to send a quick note of love. I cannot wait for the Rochester conference so I can have a chance to work with you again!
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